The 6 Habits of a People Pleaser
“When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself.”
-Paulo Coehlo
A people pleaser is a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires. The desire to help others is not a bad mindset on its own. But in the extreme, people pleasing is a mechanism where your care for others starts to harm yourself. This external effort involves a deep need for personal validation and acceptance from others.
People pleasers are those who are willing to drop what they are doing at a moment’s notice to help a someone. They are inclined to bend over backward to assist and feel useful. Will stifle their own plans to support others. While willing to help in the end, they require reassurance that you are happy and satisfied with their effort.
An unhealthy sensitive soul are especially prone to these behaviors. Sensitives like empaths and introverts have a fundamental desire to empathize with and help others. Empathy helps us understand and relate to others on a deeper level.
People pleasing is a negative offshoot of empathy.
Where your need to give aid stems from an internal fear of being criticized or rejected. Stressing yourself out over imaginary rejection.
People pleasing comes from a place of low self-esteem, or self-worth. Where you feel the need to earn love and respect from others. Feeling as though you are consistently disappointing them, which in turn fosters a deeper need to earn your acceptance.
People pleasing is a cycle of exploitive empathy.
This lapse of confidence is where you can get taken advantage of and hurt by those who would use your empathy for their personal gain. Which is why it is so important to find your value from within. While surrounding yourself with those who will uplift and support you as much as you do them.
The emotional toll that comes from neglecting your own needs can lead to feelings of:
- Resentment
- Anxiety
- Frustration
- Burnout
- Apathy
- Inauthenticity
When you ignore your needs and boundaries you put your well-being on hold. Being highly agreeable and kind is not the problem. Looking to others for approval is. People pleasing is the wrong way to build healthy and long-lasting relationships with others.
There are a handful of signs that stand out to me when I think of a people pleaser.
6 Signs You Are A People Pleaser
Conflict Avoidant
Blindly agreeing with someone just to avoid conflict devalues your voice. Having differing opinions from others is where interesting variety in life is born. Going along with ideas that you do not agree with; not wanting to rock the boat, can lead you down paths that are not in alignment with your principles and standards.
You Are Burdened By Other Peoples Feelings
People pleasers feel the need to edit or downplay their feelings around others. As they already feel overwhelmed by the amount of input from those around them.
Feeling the need to accommodate everyone is too exhausting for anyone to keep up. Yet people pleasers will minimize their feelings to make space for someone else.
You Rarely Accept Praise
When you are so aware of other people’s emotions and reactions it can be difficult to turn that focus inwards. When someone compliments you you may not believe them. Thinking instead that you must be perfect before you accept praise. This self-critical mindset shows a deep lack of self-belief and confidence. It can be difficult to accept that you are just as important as others. But it is the truth; you hold significance too.
You Apologize Too Much
People pleasing involves an eager readiness to take on the blame when situations go wrong. Even if you had nothing to do with the issue at hand. You feel the need to smooth over problem areas with an “I’m sorry.” Apologizing too much is a common sign of someone who needs to make peace before the problem escalates into a much larger issue. That old conflict avoidance coming back to play. Apologizing out of turn is an unnecessary coping mechanism for feeling like an imposter. A complex that makes you believe you don’t belong.
You are worthy of attention, of peoples time, and do not need to make excuses for your presence taking up space.
You Say Yes, Even If It Betrays Your Boundaries
When you value other people’s needs and emotions above your own, you devalue yours. Having empathy and care for others is a beautiful trait. But when your empathy is stronger than your boundaries, and you cannot advocate for yourself, that can become a dangerous place to be. There are people in the world who will see this trait and exploit it for their gain. If you ignore your boundaries and the icky feelings that come from dishonoring them you are setting yourself up to be used time and time again.
Outlining your standards of comfort and availability shows you respect yourself. A person with unwavering self-respect is much harder to abuse. It is one of the most challenging steps to take for those with a sensitive heart. But a very necessary one to ensure you don’t bleed out for those who would not do the same for you.
You Are Self-Critical
When you draw your value from other people’s acceptance of you, you are placing your self-esteem in their control. You spend a lot of time worrying about rejection. Nitpicking every internal thought and action until you are too scared to make any decision for yourself. Perfectionism at it’s finest. As though your own mind and decision-making process is not to be trusted.
Being so critical of yourself trying to win the acceptance of others is exhausting. Unhealthy levels of self-criticism creates a challenging environment for self-trust and worthiness to grow. It is okay to make mistakes, to learn, and try again. If the people around you harshly criticize or leave you when you make simple errors, then they are not worth your time. Show yourself some grace, and learn to love yourself. It’s okay to not know what you’re doing.
Coping With People Pleasing
The idea of people-pleasing doesn’t inherently strike me as negative. Having healthy relationships includes taking their emotions, needs, and wants into account. These caring tendencies stem from genuine concern.
But trying to overcompensate care to earn a relationship. Or, bypassing your needs and feelings to try to win people over is doing yourself a disservice. Pretending you are happy while struggling to maintain these uneven relationships is unhealthy all around. By doing this, you take away people’s opportunity to know and love your authentic self.
If they only get to see the character you play trying to win their approval, that is not a true friendship.
On the same hand, playing pretend or minimizing your efforts can leave you feeling frustrated and resentful. Depending on how good of an actor you are, it may be very difficult for others to discern whether you are being true to yourself or not.
If they cannot identify the behavior as people pleasing, it could lead to you exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior. As you will think “It should be obvious this relationship is uneven,” and start resenting their lack of reciprocated care.
Strong and healthy relationships require give and take. Where both parties are authentic and equitably fulfilled. Equitable, meaning each side is giving and receiving what they need to feel equal within the defined relationship. It is up to each person to define what they require to feel fulfilled. This goes for any kind of relationship, romantic, platonic, or otherwise.
When you step back and assess your relationships, do you feel authentic and fulfilled?
Do you believe those around you are reciprocating the similar levels of effort and care?
Would you want the relationships to continue as they are forever, unchanged?
It can be hard to reclaim your power and expended energy, especially after being stuck in that mental rut for so long.
Change begins by being more self-aware of your thoughts and actions around others. Not judging, just observing how you act. Whether you are putting on an act or not.
Then, practice slowing down, being more kind to yourself. Learn to sit in the uncomfortable energy of imperfection. Remembering doing your best doesn’t always mean burning yourself out.
Welcome people into your life that feel easy. That exude peacefulness and genuine warmth. Allow the relationships that feel like a burden to dissipate naturally. You can easily spot those unequitable relationships by simply experimenting. If you stopped overextending yourself for them, would the relationship continue without your effort?
Prioritize time to get to know yourself on an intimate level. Discovering where your values lie. Learn how to set healthy boundaries around those values and principles. Practice waiting until people ask for help before volunteering your time. Start by being a good listener first before diving into the deep end of exertion. Sometimes people want compassion and validation over solutions.
Give yourself grace as you become more self-aware. Set your intention to unlearn old behaviors, and making room for new thought patterns takes time.
Final Notes
It is okay to be accommodating. To feel expressive kindness with a naturally giving heart. It is okay to care about other’s needs and seek to help and support those around you. What is not okay is doing all that at a detriment to yourself.
To diminish your value, your effort, and your time is a disservice to yourself.
Honor your boundaries by using your voice to outline your availability. Make space for your wants and desires as they are as important as others are. Only expend your energy on those situations and experiences that allow for mutual respect.
Before you commit yourself to something or someone, think “Does this situation make me feel safe, loved, supported, or aligned?” As a sensitive soul, you only have so much energy at your disposal. It is important to recognize not every situation is for your best good. Sometimes you have to have those difficult conversations and stand up for yourself.
Look for patterns within your behaviors, and seek to find the areas in your life where you have the compulsion to help. Lastly, be kind to yourself as you are learning this process. Combating people-pleasing is mostly about boundary-setting and identifying where that need comes from. We all have traumas and triggers to uncover in an effort to heal and grow. Find your strength as a sensitive soul and invest in your own worth.
Understand that you don’t have to prove your worth to others. That you are learning and healing and growing just like everyone else. You don’t have to be everyone’s knight in shining armor. Sometimes you have to save yourself first.
Until next time,
