Setting Healthy Boundaries

For Empaths, Introverts, and People Pleasers

“It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.”

-Mandy Hale

Empaths, introverts, and people pleasers often have difficulty setting healthy boundaries.

Those sensitive souls tend to take on a more chivalrous and selfless role in life. They are protectors, caretakers, and supporters; who think of others before themselves. When healthy and well-balanced, that role is beautiful.  

Being the calm in someone’s storm. Uplifting another person when they are struggling. Supporting and encouraging others to thrive are wonderful traits to have.  

It is a simple fact that people need people. But neglecting your own needs and brushing off the uneasy feeling in your gut when someone oversteps, is doing yourself a disservice.

A boundary is “something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line.” It is the border that stands around our zone of safety. Maintaining healthy boundaries goes beyond mere comfort. To push the bounds is a saying that exemplifies growth and change, typically in the positive direction. Like when you take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, or chase after a big dream.  

Challenging where your comfort zone is can be exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. Real growth and development can be achieved when you push yourself beyond where you feel comfortable.

But there is a line drawn between pushing your boundaries in a healthy way, and dishonoring your values and personal safety.  

The bubbly feeling you get in your stomach when you try something new and exciting outside of your comfort zone should feel very different from an abuse of your boundaries. When you feel your boundaries are being crossed the impact is strongly negative; it can even be visceral.

As a Massage Therapist I have observed and personally witnessed the phenomenon known as an “Emotional Release.” Sometimes during a massage, certain areas of the body activate an emotional release within the muscles and tissues just as they experience a release of physical tension. These experiences can manifest in several ways: a sigh, laughter, cursing, muscle twitching, or even tears. As we go through life we attract patterns of tension and trauma. The body stores a record of it all.

I have known people to feel anger when I work on their shoulders. Others have cried from work on their hips, not from pain, but from the mind-body connection that is releasing the emotion trapped within that muscle group. I myself hold my anxiety in my rib cage on the left side. It is peculiar, but it makes sense that what your mind experiences, your body does too.

The most visceral emotional releases can stem from trapped trauma, like when your boundaries are crossed. Boundaries are such a personal thing. No two people will have the same boundaries for the exact same reason.

Establishing healthy boundaries takes time and practice. Like any skill, without repeated exercise, that muscle will go flat.  

There is a reason for the quote on my homepage. “Create your peace and live in it.” Too often empaths, introverts, and people pleasers; those of us with sensitive souls, allow our boundaries to be bypassed by the wants of others.  

When there are no standards or structures to the way you allow other people to interact with you, you are at risk of being pushed around and manipulated. This is often brought on by a lack of self-knowledge. When you don’t know who you are or where your standards lie, you end up absorbing everyone else’s random ideas about and requirements for you.  

Having an intimate relationship with yourself protects your mind from adopting the disempowering opinions of others. You are the boss of your own self. That confidence of self has to come from within, or else you’ll be shattered every time you permit someone to walk all over you.

Understanding Boundaries

Boundary setting doesn’t just affect the external. Sometimes other people aren’t the problem at all.

People can only go as far as you allow, they aren’t mind readers. If you aren’t voicing your boundaries and people start to bend them you can’t blame them when they do.

A large part of this revolves around the community of people you allow around you; your family, coworkers, friends, and acquaintances. Are you surrounding yourself with people that respect your voice when you use it to share your concerns? We have a choice everyday to either accept of deny someone access to us. Even the people that are difficult to escape (family, coworkers.) You can still be kind to the people who don’t respect your boundaries, while limiting your interactions with them.

Sensitive souls tend to be conflict avoidant, so the best you can do to extricate yourself from those unhealthy people without hostility, the better for your peace of mind.

External boundaries with other people are only half the battle. The structure and standards you maintain within your own habits and actions wreak more havoc than anyone else could.

• When you don’t keep the promises you make to yourself. 
• When you negotiate with yourself to get out of a responsibility you know you need to do.
• When you stop maintaining your own levels of personal maintenance (your physical environment, hygiene, working towards your goals, etc.) 

Each promise forgotten or intention ignored is a boundary that has been breeched. Establishing self-discipline over the areas of your life where you have more control is flexing that boundary muscle.  

Boundaries with yourself could look like:

• Limiting your screen time 
• Stopping negative self-talk with gentle and encouraging reminders.
• Only share your personal life when you actually want to.
• Paying your bills on time. 
• Sticking to a budget and not overspending.
• Maintaining a clean home and proper hygiene. (Your environment is a physical representation of your mind.)
• Only allowing someone in your personal space that you feel comfortable with.
• Being careful with the kind of content you consume. (Is it uplifting, positive, or helpful?)
• Setting limits on how late you stay up. (Grasping at feeling in control by procrastinating your bedtime with useless activity only further stresses you out.)

The little things we do to stay true to our values and goals are good practice for those uncomfortable external conversations.  We each now when we feel we have let ourselves down. Have grace with yourself and gently learn to face the areas that need fine-tuning.

The Hard Truth About Boundaries

The empowerment you feel when you learn how to love yourself  is magic. That inner courage makes it more difficult for people to walk all over you. Having the self-awareness to recognize when YOU are the problem is a hard thing to face. That the situations you’ve found yourself in were not totally out of your control.  

Allowing those negative situations to live and thrive within your mind, unable to let them go, opens the door for them to happen again.

I’ve found life revolves in cycles of learning. We get more than one opportunity to learn a lesson. The packaging might be different, but if the end result is the same old trauma, it shows there may be more you need to learn.

I know personally I have allowed certain circumstances to happen to me again and again. Painful, unsettling experiences that changed the way I viewed my own worth and value. I’ll admit I can be a slow learner, but I do learn. It took time, but I finally realized I was disrupting my own peace by not using my voice to protect myself. While others played a part, what happened to me only happened because I allowed it.  

I realize that is not the case for every situation. Sometime things are truly and completely outside of our control. Still, there are lessons that can be learned and new strength found in learning how to never allow that kind of hurt again. I wish it were easier to gain wisdom, but then, that’s life for you, painful sometimes. 

You are not responsible for “rescuing” people from their own choices.

You are not held responsible to “bleeding out” for people who wouldn’t do the same for you.

You are not responsible for the poor actions and life choices of others.

You ARE responsible for your actions, your thoughts, and using your voice to stand up for yourself.  

Being the sensitive souls empaths, introverts, and people pleasers are, standing firm in your own voice can be hard. But if not using your voice to set healthy boundaries worked, you would probably feel better about life than you do now.

Make your boundaries clear, loud, and non-negotiable. People either fall in line and adjust their preconceived expectations of you or they can kick rocks.

It is okay to mourn the time lost when you didn’t stand up for your boundaries. I know I did! It’s even okay to feel hesitant when taking the first steps towards setting healthy boundaries. I know I was! 

“The result you want rarely comes without a process of gradual steps toward it first.”

-Josh Spector

Look on your past-self with graceful eyes knowing you did the best you could with the knowledge you had. Step into your new mindset with forgiveness and optimism, inviting yourself and others the chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved. With standards and respect.

Final Notes

Setting healthy boundaries is all about self-advocacy. It is your responsibility to advocate for what you need and require. Distorting your values to accommodate others is a betrayal to self.

As an empathic introvert and a self-diagnosed people pleaser I find boundary setting difficult. I feel empathy towards others plights and want to help them, too often at my own expense. I don’t experience anger often, but when I do 95% of the time its because I feel someone I care about is being hurt. Then I feel like I would watch the world burn if it meant protecting them. I’ve recently asked myself, why I do not feel the same way when MY boundaries are crossed?

To the Empath: Having empathy for someone doesn’t mean they are allowed to cross your boundaries. Train your mindset to be stronger than how you feel, and your boundaries stronger than your empathy.

To the Introvert: Limiting your availability and communicating your limits protects your energy from being depleted and abused. An overextended introvert is no help to anyone, especially yourself.

To the People Pleaser: Saying no when someone pushes beyond your comfort zone does not detract from your generous and kind identity. Advocate for your own needs, they have value too.

Any relationship that takes your effort for granted is not worth your time.

A large part of learning boundaries is learning to know yourself. See yourself as someone valuable and worth protecting. Learn your values, your character traits, triggers, and habits. Then when negative situations arise you can better navigate the issue without compromising your identity and value as an individual. Knowing yourself is armor.

I’ve used the principles of self-investment to restore that relationship with myself; established peace, and developed purpose. Which is why In-nested was born! To share my enthusiasm for self-investment and the joy of restoring and developing your authentic self.

Set healthy boundaries with yourself and others to live in harmony with your authentic self. Now, when I feel threatened I have the strength to stand up for myself, because I am someone I love.

Make sure to take care of the things you love, and make sure you are one of them.

Until next time,